Anyone who knows me, knows that I have never ever wanted to have kids. The thought of having something growing inside me, moving around- the whole pregnant thing really! And then after that, the sleepless nights and the fact that your whole life is taken over forever! There are countless reasons that it has never appealed and whilst I still find the whole idea totally bizarre, lately some of my feelings on the subject have changed. Perhaps it’s since getting married or my age but there’s something that keeps dragging my thoughts back to the idea of having a child. Would it be a boy or a girl? What name would we give it? what clothes would I dress it in? What attributes of mine and my husbands might it have? Where I used to have only negative ideas about having a child, I now seem to have some positives, with only one main concern in my mind. As somebody with a lot of health issues I worry about how pregnancy would affect both me and a potential child who I could pass all my afflictions on to. Having Endometriosis and Hashimoto’s Disease, there is also a strong chance that I am unable to conceive, or that if I did, I might lose the baby. But still I keep wondering why my mind seems to have become so much more drawn to the whole idea of the thing. Has age mellowed me?
I’ve come to the conclusion that this is simply the way we as women are made. We are programmed to come to a point in life where our hormones take charge and override all our sensible ideas with this primal urge. I’ve always admired women who never had children for their drive and strength of mind not to give in to peer pressure and assume the role of mother that we are all expected to. But now I can’t help but think that these women must also have felt this insane desire at some point but had no opportunity to make it reality. This is a really sad thought…but I also don’t think that out hormones should govern us.
Every month when I’m sad and crying for no good reason I wonder why our bodies do this to us. But hormones are a part of us, especially as women. Should we accept that they are a part of our being and therefore part of our persona? Or should we not allow them to make huge life decisions on our behalf? You have probably at some stage altered your life because of some unexplainable urge or craving, but do you accept your hormones as a part of who you are or does it piss you off that they can take you from one place to another so unexplainably without even asking your permission? I’m undecided. I know that as a woman I’m capable of many many things, but is my one true purpose simply to continue the race? And what then if you aren’t capable of bearing a child, does that mean that you are not a true woman?
It’s this kind of thinking (and probably my hormones!) that make me really ponder the meaning of life…as well as really confusing me!