Monday Mottos

Being a Woman, Coping, health, Inspiration, life, motivation, mottos, Wellness

A beautiful group of words to speak to all those who, like me, are often asking why they can’t just be normal…this is why.

“Normality is a paved road: It’s comfortable to walk on, but no flowers grow on it.” —Vincent Van Gogh

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A Little moan

Being a Woman, health

So I’ve cried lots today! Went to London to have a transvaginal ultrasound which my consultant wanted me to have before my next laparoscopy. Naturally I was full of nerves due to my vestibulodynia and the idea of the instrument having to go in as my pain is really bad.

I managed it though! It really hurt, not only externally but internally (which I put down to my endometriosis). And in the end the scan was really pointless!! The sonographer said that endometriosis doesn’t really show up anyways and then the scan was difficult as my ovaries were apparently hiding and he couldn’t find them. Apparently I have a lot of gas in my bowels which obscured my ovaries!! Yay, I’m gassy!

Finally home after more discomfort on the train and it’s been emotionally and physically draining! But even though there wasn’t much point in it, I feel a personal achievement that I withstood my pain and that it’s done!

Phew, quite sore and tired but gonna have a takeaway as a treat and cuddle with hubby!

Good luck with all the hard tasks you face in life and try and find an achievement at the end of it!

Wo-man

Being a Woman, Children, experiences, health, life, sharing

Wo is me screamed the little lady

And rightfully, for as you see,
What is a woman? She’s a man with wo,
She feels everything deeper from tip to toe.
the world is more heavy, the burden more great, 
So much more to balance, less time just to waste. 
Just those 2 letters can mean so much more. A depth left unmatched, the heftiest chore.
Now The expectation of new life awaits
A mother, a teacher, more full grow those plates
Man seem so 2d compared to the Wo but one With Out the other means nothing can grow

Dear V ( A letter to my Vagina)

Being a Woman, health

After my last post I remembered that during my psychosexual therapy I wrote a letter to my Vagina. It kind of helped at the time. It’s something any one can do to gain a bit of power back- whatever or whoever they are writing to. Maybe try it. Here’s mine:

Dear V,

Why have you turned on me? I thought we were a team just waiting to find our perfect match, but you decided to punish me with pain and hopelessness.

Why did you allow people in who cared nothing for me but closed yourself to the one man who truly loves me? You make me feel like I’m not a real woman and can’t give him what he needs and wants. And I need and want those things too.

Why must you sting and burn? Why do you treat me like the enemy? I’m grateful for the small moments of pleasure but I want more. I want my body to have freedom from pain and illness and you’re only adding to my problems.

Let me walk freely, wear what I like, touch you and be touched too. Let Him in. Imagine how good it could feel if the pain would go away. To be as close as possible to Him and feel satisfied and satisfying. What a joy that would be. No more creams and pills, equipment and therapies. No more examinations and money spent on train journeys to fix you.

We ARE a team. I’m working hard to make you better, please help to make life better by working with me. Be a little more relaxed and forgiving. Let’s have fun and do all the things we can possibly do together. I know you have problems deep inside but don’t shut yourself off because of that. We’ve both suffered pain and bad times but together let’s fight this vulvodynia and live our life again.

The kind of ill that you can’t talk about…

Being a Woman

For many years, in fact since I was 16 years old, I have suffered with multiple conditions and health problems that affected me in lots of different ways. I’m sure I will talk about my other problems later on in this blog including Hashimoto’s disease pernicious anaemia and migraine among others, However the issue that i just can’t talk about, that you really really should talk about is my problems with my lady bits…let’s just say it- my vagina!!

I can’t tell someone I’m not feeling good because I’m in a lot of pain in the downstairs department if you know what I mean. But this is a real problem in my life. I have endometriosis, something that isn’t too hard to speak about, a condition which causes the lining of the uterus to shed into my body as well as with my period. This causes deep internal pain, stabbing and shooting pains and other uncomfortable disturbing feelings. However I also have a problem called vulvodynia. Specifically Vestibulodynia. This problem began just after I met my now husband who has absolutely been the best thing throughout this whole experience. The first time we tried to have sex it was so painful like something was tearing and burning the skin around my vagina. The pain made my eyes water. It isn’t something that anyone should have to go through. It really makes you feel inadequate and as though the man you’re with simply won’t want you.

It has now been almost 5 years. I’m still in a lot of pain and have tried many many treatments. I have been on medications (antidepressants) that are supposed to help the pain and they haven’t. I have tried physiotherapy to no avail, tens machine and biofeedback but all these treatments have just been incredibly painful. I’ve used dilators and have managed to move up in size but still the pain persists and it has no positive effect on trying to have sex. I have also had psychosexual therapy which just made me feel more nuts to be honest!

The good thing in my case was finding my specialist Dr Lewis at St Thomas’s hospital in London. She knew exactly what the problem was, diagnosed me, set me on the path of the various treatmentsnand instantly I didn’t feel like it was all in my mind. It is a genuine problem with the nerve endings and a lot of women go on living with this problem without even knowing what it is. Doctors are so oblivious this problem and it is very hard to get a diagnosis. On my last visit with my specialist she reassured me that 70% of women with this issue do find the pain eventually goes away just as suddenly as it came on, but that it could be years months days-no one knows. It cuts so deep to think that this problem may never go away or take years and years to. I’m a young woman and I want to feel free in my body but unfortunately trying to be intimate with my husband is very difficult and we have to really be careful. Obviously this is no way to have a free and adventurous sex life, but it also really plays havoc with my self esteem and confidence. It makes me feel like I’m not a proper woman and that I just can’t be as good in bed other women who are pain free and able to just enjoy themselves and their partners. Lately a real issue has been my endometriosis pain which has evolved and now causes me pain on arousal meaning that even before we get to touching, I’m already in pain.

I have accepted this issue but do still suffer with down days thinking about it and also find it very difficult to ignore in the bedroom, often welling up and ruining the moment completely. My Husband is lovely and supportive and he has no thoughts or desire for anyone else other than me (proven by the fact that I’ve had this problem since the beginning and he has since proposed and married me!) However I feel guilty and I feel betrayed by my body as well.

I would like to say to any woman that is also suffering with pain and feels like less of a woman, that someone will still love you and that somehow you can learn to accept your problem, do your best to improve it and simply be positive that someday you’ll be free of your pain. I’d also like to say that it is a really shitty thing and you have every right to feel angry and upset!

This post is not meant to bring sympathy for me but to bring more awareness and hopefully allow us to actually feel that we can speak about these problems. It seems embarrassing but at the end of the day it can happen to anyone and is no-fault of your own if you have vulvodynia endometriosis or any number of other health problems. And vulvodynia is just that- a health problem. It is no one’s fault, it isn’t an STD, it’s just bad bad luck and it should be something that we can be open to speak about.

I haven’t given up hope but I do need a pick me up occasionally and other women do too so please just give a nice word to your friends, your colleagues, anyone! Do something to make someone else feel good and you could spare them from having a day of feeling bad about themselves. Women can be cruel but we need to be kind to each other. One kind word could go a long way to helping with someones overall well-being.

My words to you:
You can work around your obstacles. You must not let them make you feel like you are inferior to anyone else. You are a beautiful strong woman and you can deal with anything. You have so much good in your life and one day the things that are bad will not seem so bad anymore. Be strong.

Hormones- good or bad??

Being a Woman, Children, experiences, health, life, sharing

 

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have never ever wanted to have kids. The thought of having something growing inside me, moving around- the whole pregnant thing really! And then after that, the sleepless nights and the fact that your whole life is taken over forever! There are countless reasons that it has never appealed and whilst I still find the whole idea totally bizarre, lately some of my feelings on the subject have changed. Perhaps it’s since getting married or my age but there’s something that keeps dragging my thoughts back to the idea of having a child. Would it be a boy or a girl? What name would we give it? what clothes would I dress it in? What attributes of mine and my husbands might it have? Where I used to have only negative ideas about having a child, I now seem to have some positives, with only one main concern in my mind. As somebody with a lot of health issues I worry about how pregnancy would affect both me and a potential child who I could pass all my afflictions on to. Having Endometriosis and Hashimoto’s Disease, there is also a strong chance that I am unable to conceive, or that if I did, I might lose the baby. But still I keep wondering why my mind seems to have become so much more drawn to the whole idea of the thing. Has age mellowed me?

I’ve come to the conclusion that this is simply the way we as women are made. We are programmed to come to a point in life where our hormones take charge and override all our sensible ideas with this primal urge. I’ve always admired women who never had children for their drive and strength of mind not to give in to peer pressure and assume the role of mother that we are all expected to. But now I can’t help but think that these women must also have felt this insane desire at some point but had no opportunity to make it reality. This is a really sad thought…but I also don’t think that out hormones should govern us.

Every month when I’m sad and crying for no good reason I wonder why our bodies do this to us. But hormones are a part of us, especially as women. Should we accept that they are a part of our being and therefore part of our persona? Or should we not allow them to make huge life decisions on our behalf? You have probably at some stage altered your life because of some unexplainable urge or craving, but do you accept your hormones as a part of who you are or does it piss you off that they can take you from one place to another so unexplainably without even asking your permission? I’m undecided. I know that as a woman I’m capable of many many things, but is my one true purpose simply to continue the race? And what then if you aren’t capable of bearing a child, does that mean that you are not a true woman?

It’s this kind of thinking (and probably my hormones!) that make me really ponder the meaning of life…as well as really confusing me!